First day of freedom ..er.. school
Madeline was successfully delivered to school on time and in good spirits today. Yesterday was rough. I'm having a hard time with her attitude lately. It seems like she's constantly complaining, and forever on the verge of an emotional meltdown, and my patience has been rapidly dwindling. She can be such a little manipulator. Last night, I was asking her (for the FIFTH time) to get in the tub, and, while I wasn't yelling at her (yet), my tone was obviously getting more firm. She starts bawling, cowering on the floor, and says, "You're scaring me!" WHAT?? I was intentionally, and with much effort I must say, keeping from losing my temper, and she throws that out? I hear a lot of, "you're hurting my feelings" too. I tried to explain to her that if she'd just do what I asked her WHEN I asked her, I wouldn't ever have to raise my voice. She gets upset and says I'm yelling at her, and lecturing. (I was not yelling, and only a little lecturing.) I tell her I'm trying to explain this to her because I respect her, and I want her to understand. That if she'd try to respect me too, we wouldn't have to have conflict at all. She SO didn't get it. I ended up just trying to get her to agree that she would try harder to listen and be respectful, and I would try harder not to yell at her. Seeing how I really don't yell at her very often at all, I'm pretty sure I can keep up my side of the bargain, but I'm not sure she's going to even try her side. She just kept trying to justify why she wasn't listening, and how it was somehow my fault. DUDE! HOW, HOW, HOW do you teach a child to be respectful, and take responsibility for their own actions without punishing them on occasion? I don't think it's possible. I'm starting to think it's not possible in general, but I'm holding out hope. Is there some brilliant parenting book or something out there that I'm missing out on? Some miracle technique for instilling good behavior in your child without making them feel threatened or guilty? I always wanted my child to feel like she could talk to me, and we'd discuss things together, and that has SO backfired. She's a constant debater, and she feels like doing what I ask her is totally optional. NO MORE. I am drawing the line in the sand. Talk back to me, and you WILL get spanked. Sorry. Has to be that way.
Whew. OK, time to stop venting. Moving on. Trying to allow and make space for the good behavior to happen. I have been working hard at "catching her being good", positive reinforcement, and all that. It does seem to help increase the positive behaviors, but doesn't do too much in decreasing the negative ones. I think probably a big part of it for me is that she's changing so fast, physically and emotionally, it can be hard to keep up. I really don't know how people can do it with more than 2 kids. This is PLENTY of drama for me, thanks.
Anyways, we got to school with no major drama this morning. After last night, I was mentally preparing for dragging her kicking and screaming into her classroom, so I was pleasantly surprised when she cruised right in with no muss, no fuss. A couple girls called out to her from the playground on our way by from her class last year, and I think that made her happy. There was also a very sweet girl from her last year's class who's in her class this year, and sits in her little desk cluster. So cute, they have their own desks this year. It's starting to feel like real live school more than just kid corralling. Zach and I hung out for awhile and helped get school supplies sorted, and names put on glue and scissors. There were a couple other moms with little kids there too. It was really nice. Her teacher last year would only have moms in to help without the toddlers in tow. So, unfortunately for me, that meant I wasn't able to help in her classroom, as we didn't know anyone here, and didn't have any daycare options. Mrs. Moreno seems much more willing for siblings to be around, and Zach really is well behaved in those kind of situations most of the time, so I'm looking forward to being able to be in her classroom more. I was literally giddy walking out to the car, feeling secure that she was doing ok, and engaged in her new class. I REALLY hope that a little more structure and outside interaction will make a big difference with the attitude issues, and not just be one more thing to stress about.
My plan was to seriously clean the house today, what with only one child in it to distract me, but I've blown off the whole morning already. I did manage to get up BEFORE the kids this morning and grab a shower, and that NEVER happens, so I'm feeling pretty good about that. I do need to go through the little piles of Madeline's papers that are floating around and decide which drawings to save, what stuff is from last year that can be thrown away, and what to hold onto, and then of course where to put it. The neverending sorting of the crap. My favorite.
posted by amandak @ 11:20 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
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Madeline sounds like one smart cookie. I agree that you have to punish in some way. A parent who is not firm, doesn't set consequences and follow through with them when necessary is just asking to be disregarded. I say that knowing full well that I am a complete softie and will probably have real issues with laying down the law.
Oh and I feel like I should apologize to my mom. I was totally manipulative as a kid. And since my parents were divorced when I was five I was always pulling out the "I want to go live with Dad" card whenever it suited my needs. I don't know how she dealt.
My eldest is just like Madeline. Manipulation, drama, hyper-emotional reactions, and blaming whichever parent happened to impose discipline are her stock in trade.
I think it is just her way of trying to prove to herself that she is real and that she matters.
It is frustrating but I console myself with the knowledge that she is also smart, reads bunches, cares deeply about her sister and us, and wants more than anything else to be loved. When I can remember that, I find I am willing to debate one more round, to firmly move through her tantrum, and to try one more time.
I think you do the same and should be commended for loving your daughter more than you love your order and calm.
I also suspect that her reaction, "You're scaring me" is her way of seizing on what she gets empathically from you--that you are afraid of your own anger. Being angry is natural, for kids and adults. Try and experience your anger as a spur and not a scourge and perhaps it will help you find the energy and the passion to wrangle out the extremely difficult task of making a person out of the unformed mass of a child.
We are raising adult people, not children. Parent them towards that goal, and don't worry about the fact that sometimes growing isn't easy.
Enjoy your freedom too, taking a half-day off on the first day of school is one of motherhood's purest vices.
Have you heard about the "Love and Logic" programs? We did a teaching with love and logic thing today at school. I was surprised at how much I like it. There's a "parenting with love and logic" too. basically, you just don't engage in the argumetn--because it gives them power. you just say very empathetically--"I know" (or something like that)and keep repeating it over and over. It gives them no ammunition to argue back. check it out if you haven't. I'm going to try it in my classroom this year.
I totally am right there with you on the argument and debate problem. However, when I seem to loose the argument it either costs me money or Kiri ends up with a new color of hair. At least it isn't a piercing, yet.
I do something sort of like missuz j, and I find that pairing it with choices and consequences helps me alot. for instance, when I can't get trent to take a shower (ie, every day), I tell him he can either take a shower tonight or take one in the morning, (which he likes because he gets to choose and has some control over the situation), but he has to take one. and if he doesn't, he won't be allowed to watch tv that day. now, I'm lucky in the fact that he takes those consequences very seriously and won't just blow stuff off and whine to watch tv anyway, so I'm not sure if that would work for everyone. and I also practice quite a bit of "empathy" in the way boobecca suggested, where if he would say something like "you hurt my feelings" I would say "I guess I did, though I didn't mean to. but you still need to get a bath." the trick with the consequences is that you HAVE to follow through. even if you do what I do and say "It sucks that you can't watch tv, I know you love it. unfortunately, you can't because you didn't take your shower."
I have a feeling my way of doing things may not work with bella, because it seems like girls are just more prone to figuring out ways to get what they want. we'll see how that goes. I hope some of this helped.
I remember her pulling the "you're scaring me" crap when I would tend her. I wouldn't even be yelling. It would just be the second time I asked her to eat her dinner. I find it just pissed me off more, at which point I would unfortunately, start raising my voice. I don't know what to tell you. The only think I can think to say is that the whole rewarding positive behavior is great, and it's good that she seems to respond to that by doing more good things. However, the naughtiness is still an issue. I really feel like if you reward her for being good you should punish her for being bad. That way she'll be able to see and feel the difference. Just a thought from the non-mommy of our bloggiverse.
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